A Street Gang Of Washim Ali's
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Inter Minan

 

Grandmothers; darling little egg sucking creatures. They bombard you with sweets, money and for us lucky ones, catapults (Mr Abbott next door still blames you for his broken window grandma). But some people like to take their relationships with their grandmas that one step further. These people are defined by the government as ‘muthafunky freakococks’. Inter Minan fall under this category but people let them off due to their boyish good looks, charm and most importantly for their footballing skills.

 

Yes, the Street Gang know a worthy opponent when they see one, these boys have fairy dust pouring out of their toes.

 

Inter Minan are made up of a mixture of Johnny foreigners and good old British steel. They met in the Ugandan Rehabilitation Centre for Those Who Like Old Geezers Pink Bits in the summer of 1975. Instead of taking part in the centres gruelling programme (which includes exercises such as alligator massaging and making ornaments out of toe cheese) the Inter Minan boys would sneak off for a kickabout. Though without access to a football they had to use a wig made out of Barry Venisons hair.

venison.jpg
Sir Barry. Golden, Smooth, Sleek.

Tommasi Agnewssio       Italy

 
This is a man who bloomed late into football due to his turbulent past. Found by an Italian monk on a beach in Croatia Tommasi was actually reared by a group of stray donkeys. Although these donkeys were wild they were actually quite civilised, some even donning hats in the summer months in order to prevent heatstroke, and they raised Tommasi well.

Back in Italy the monk tried his best to turn Tommasi into a normal human being. But this was tough with Tommasi much preferring to stick to his diet of sugar cubes than anything the monk gave him. Learning to walk on two legs instead of four at the age of 14 however changed Tommasi’s life. From then on he could play football with the other kids and soon found out he was quite talented scoring 132 goals in 3 games against the monks pet rabbit Marlon. Scouts all over Italy were alerted to the young chap,  which led to him eventually singing for Roma.

 

The advent of professional football in Agnewssio’s life has brought with it fame. He has been voted ‘Best Oversized Novelty Headed Male’ three times in a row by New Woman magazine and has adoring female fans worldwide wanting to get a glimpse of his dong----key like features. Haha, witty.

 

David Love Thompson Jr III       USA

 

42!   38!   21!   HUT HUT HUT! WIDE RECIEVER! APPLE PIE! BILL GATES!

 

SOCCER! Soccer?

 

Bullied from a young age for playing the girly sport of soccer David learned to look after himself. A diet of nothing but steroids and Special K has made him into the big physical behemoth we see today. His love of football persuaded David to pack up his weight building apparatus, find the nearest horse (which co-incidentaly ended up being a relation of Tommasi Agnewssio) and ride bareback and bare-chested to our green and pleasant land. Once here David made his living as a painter. But instead of using a brush as he couldn’t afford one young Mr Thompson dipped his tongue in the paint as an alternative. After two weeks of this he became addicted to paint drinking it by the bucketloads, his favourite colour/flavour being Dulux Milky Mahogany. The upside to this addiction was his mad footballing skillz. Onken Yoghurt indeed folks!

 

 

Sam Payne         UK

 

Wow, what a crazy fucker this guy is. Seven foot tall with eyes of glass Sam puts the shits up anyone he comes into contact with. When trying to research him I got so shit scared I couldn’t go into depth so I will now make use of the feature known as BULLET POINTS!!!:-)!!! (int technology amazing?)

 

  • Collects murderer memorabilia from the internet recently splashing out 50 on the actual jock strap Jack the Ripper used when he was a teenage rent boy.
  • Shaves every hair on his body hourly.
  • Pours pancake batter into his belly button hole then chases women down the street shouting “Bring back Porn on Channel Five!”
  • Grew a spare penis out of sausage meat and crushed blackcurrants. Said blackcurrants represented ‘veins’.

 

But like everyone Sam has a light side, his hobbies include football (obviously), Morris Dancing and wombat breeding.

 

 

Ste Sun Penn        South Korea

 

Sex symbol of the team and all round ladies man is Ste Sun Penn. Ste Sun makes a living wearing shit tight, unbuttoned shirts with tassles and god knows what else all over them. Shirts only gays and blind people would wear, and maybe desperate straight men pretending to be gay just so they can get some action. Yes he is a male model, and Korean at that. What white girl would want to be with some Korean guy? Ste Sun’s answer to this would be, plenty. Which just shows what a narrow minded dickcock I am.

 

So I am now going to drown my sorrows by eating pancake batter with Sam Payne.

 

 

Cal’am Sal’am Mufat     Saudi Arabia

 

Son of a rich oil dealer Mufat recently caused a storm in the strict Islamic society of Saudi Arabia by turning up to afternoon prayer in a bright pink robe. Generally worshippers wear white but Cal’am wishing to show what a hot little urchin he is showed up in something you would probably find in Freddie Mercury’s dressing room, if he never died of the gay aids of course.

 

Bringing this flamboyancy to the football pitch however Cal’am graces the turf with charisma and charm. He once dribbled around the entire Pat Sharp Select XI twice stopping once to charm a snake before nestling a shot into the top right corner. He is surely one to watch.

 

 

 

Shane Hadfield          UK

 

 

Last but not least is England under 21 star Shane Hadfield. Shane had an awful accident as a child when his friend used an ice cream scoop to scoop out a large portion of his cheek, leading the other children to name him ‘Crater Face’ so don’t laugh at him on the pitch because of this please.

 

But do laugh at him for another reason. Shane names himself as Chris de Burgh’s biggest fan. What a big jesse.

 

But maybe not as he is another one of Inter Minan’s famous physical fucksters, so he might just kick yo ass mofo! He is all natural too unlike David Love Thompson Jr III, living on a diet of only sushi and cocoa beans.

 

 

And to answer your question yes I was bored when writing this, everyone at uni has gone home and I have to stay to work, so lonely sob sob. Not as bored as you though for reading it, you cannot get that time back either, haw haw.

?The Sixth Form Best?
 
Coming Soon
 
Team X
 
Pre-tournament favourites Team X, face a team on the down in the street gang. Led by Garetho Short, the X have won there opening two games, quite comfortably disposing of the tangos and the israelites. There strong line up will mean a hard game for the gang and in previous meetings the gang have lost on both occasions. Goalkeeper Short has assembled his team after a trial took place on the lawn outside spar (moorclose). He selected a side that is arguably the yr 12 select, they include various internationals including Cameroonian Ade Holliday-Holliday, Swede Miko Sewelssen, Peruvian Twins Anti and Adee Heskettallo and England youth stars Short and Kirkbride. They will also be boosted by the news that Holliday-Holliday will be available after a charity visit to his homeland to raise aids awareness proved a success, Ade is currently the 3rd richest cameroonian after Joe Nagu-Harga (Peoples Champ) and Eric Djemba-Djemba (Gangster/Mobster/Footballer/Porn Star). The X-Men are favourites to win but with news that mascot Wolverine has passed away there morale will be dented, however it should be a barnstorming, helterskelter, ding dong, gung ho, titanic tusstle. Thank You x x x x x
 
Avid Merrions Fanjita Appreciation Society FC
 
The new team in the comp the society will want to forget there opening game, a 4-3 loss to the losers that are passion tango. They will however be in for an even tougher battle today against the street gang, and with the absence of Peacock and McMullenstein things could get nasty. Formed by a loving orang utang campaigner MoShep after realising he was without a club, the team quickly started recruiting and they are made up of a open minded pervert, a DJ, a wild boar and other unemployed gangers. Lets hope we have a jolly good game.
 
Captain Bish's Israelites
 
From the dusty lands to the east the Israelites will be hoping to build on their strong finish of last season. Founded near a watering hole in the Arabian desert by a band of travelling circus performers. They still stay true to their roots regulary entertaining crowds and childrens parties with their lion taming act.
Barnsey has returned from the Swedish Highlands where he spent the winter break rubbing olive based lotion onto the Viking Gods and mass producing yellow snow. All others spent Christmas with their families.
The Israelites see themselves as a well oiled unit rather than a group of individuals and have regular training exercises to enhance their teamwork.
The team have made no official new signings since last year, instead drafting in a few new faces from their vast circus squadron of 42 men, five lions, 1 walrus and a homemade spanish omlette. This devious tactic went unnoticed last year as new players turned up every game even though the rules stated they were only allowed 7. It will probably go unnoticed again this time around as the organisers seem more interested in making posters and binge drinking.
Also due to health and safety issue a new rule has been imposed by the 6FFA. This states thou shalt not weareth cycling gloves, headgear or trousers/long pants.com
This team regulary breaks all of these rules, especially the gloves one. Without fail the Scottish international McAllister wears some toxic yellow gloves every game. Scientists are unaware why he does this but have guessed that he has some sort of sub-tropical hand disease which he caught after shoving his fingers up elephants rectums during his time at the circus.
There are other players on this team and they all wear headgear but I am bored of typing so they will go unmentioned for now.
I can see the Israelites using their deep faith to enhance their fortunes at this year tournement. I am sure our game with them will be a jolly good old fashioned showdown.
Avante!
 
 
Passion Tangos
 
Coached by Dave Angel, the tangos will be looking to avoid another whitewash of defeats. They have strengthened this year by adding players such as Frederico Smith and Daniello Flectini. Unfortunatly they have lost the services of Adam French who has decided to join new team, Avid Merrions Fanjita Appreciation Society (AMFAS), a huge loss however with stars such as Iron Man Baker, 35 times Russian International who has been a member of the side since the years of the iron curtain, powerful at the back, however his attacking abilities need some help. Juan Pablo Ramgel is another sleeping giant, yet to find the form that earned him his 4 caps for colombia, pacey and enthusiasm is what he is about, can knock in a couple of goals as well. Chuff is the main man in the side, the legendry 'King of Sixth Form' was raised with baboons and quickly emerged as a leader in the jungle, his survival skills are essential to the tangos success, if he shines there is a chance of some glory, Paul Smiley is undoubtably the 'Sex God' of the team, ex-popstar Smiley decided to quit pop to play for the tangos after a troublesome year with the ribenas, his boyish good looks could motivate the rest of the team, however off the field issues such as clothing ranges, pop deals and movie roles have restricted the player that could have went to the top. Geoffrey Chilcott is the teams hardman, sent off 4 times last year. His disipline weakens his international hopes and has yet to make his mark internationally, somerset county star whos ex-darting career can only benefit the team, lets hope he keeps on the field instead of off it. Finally the new men, Frederico Smith, Jamacian International who is virtually unknown and Daniello Flectini, veteran italian international of 77 caps, including 3 euro championships and 2 world cups and 2 player of the year awards, if he can keep his jism to himself, he will be the tournaments top man, unfortunatly pool seems to be his interest now, but he will be keen to lose the 'has been' title, hopefully he will and recreate the superstar antics of the past. So there is the squad, they have been on numerous team building exercises including trips to the zoo, the supermarket, and noahs ark childrens home. If the team gels they will prove to be a nemesis of the street gang but with the lack of flair and creativity they will find it hard to break down the stubborn Street Gang defence, if Chuff and Ramgel shine however, they will threaten the gang, unfortunatly i cannot see this happening. Good Luck to them though, Shabba x x x x

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